"Sleeper" agents, operatives who blend in to America and wait for years before striking, are a necessary component of many terrorist actions. But how do these Sleepers manage to avoid detection? Recently released excerpts from Osama bin Laden's pamphlet, the Sleeper's Handbook, detail the chilling sophistication of our enemies and their terrifying familiarity with Western Culture:

[excerpts]

So you want to be a sleeper agent? Who can blame you? The thought of fooling infidel neighbors for years before finally using their laughable innocence to ensure their fiery death has made many a mujihadeen smirk uncontrollably for years. But do not think blending in is easy. There are countless traps for the unwary to slip and unwittingly reveal himself as a holy warrior.

Always remember that Americans are very different from you and I. They are a strange people whose mysterious ways confound the right-thinking mind. They are a people who, even though kite flying is not forbidden, do not often engage in the Devil's Windy Pastime! Who can fathom what pleases them?

Therefore, brother, pay attention to the tips contained herein and you shall remain as unnoticed as an ugly third wife who knows no tricks with her mouth.

FORGED DOCUMENTS

...The brother who needs fake ID cards would be well advised to go to 42nd Street.

...The photograph of the brother in these documents will add 15 pounds. Do not become enraged with the photographer . . . [T]hat is your real hair line.

Do not become overzealous in your attempts to blend in!

SPORTING EVENTS

...Many Americans paint their bodies while attending sporting events. While pretending to enjoy American football may be a necessary evil, brothers should remember to refrain from calling attention to themselves.

MUSIC

...Like all the brothers, many American men hate Carson Daly. They do not, however, discuss elaborately detailed plans to poison his prayer beads with a lethal stew of spoiled meat, green beans and corn.

...Despite being number one on Afghani radio, "Falco" is no longer considered cool. Break-dancing is also out.

...Boy Bands are in. Use this information to fuel your revolutionary fervor.

PERSONAL APPEARANCE

...Brothers may shave their beards to blend in.

...With a needle and thread, and just a little elbow grease, "Bed, Bath and Beyond" can provide you with a turban that's the envy of any mullah.

...Khakis are appropriate for almost any occasion.

TIPPING

... American wait staff consider a gratuity of under 15% to be rude. Religious authorities, however, permit you to stiff the infidel on the tip.

AMERICAN WOMEN

... Flogging women with car antennas just because they are wearing bikinis is strongly frowned upon in America. "College Girls Gone Wild" is a good video to rent if a brother would like to know which beaches will be the best places to go to administer savage beatings once America comes under the Taliban's control.

..."If you don't get any by the third date, then you may take it as a given that there is none to be gotten." This, and many things, I learned from the one American who understands the proper, Islamic relationship between men and women - Tom Leykis.

PRACTICING YOUR FAITH

...Americans only attend religious services on Christmas and Easter, and view all who go more often than twice a year as dangerous extremists. Therefore, pray only at home, with your windows closed. Most Americans would prefer to live near a crystal meth lab than a church.

After donning the traditional garb of leopard print leggings, tassled fuchsia corset and an ass candle, I traveled unnoticed throughout Provincetown.

RECRUITING

...Despite the auspicious-sounding name, and its lure of all-male flyboys, "The Cockpit" in Provincetown, Rhode Island, is NOT a good place to find suicide pilots for the Jihad.

WEAPONS

...The brother responsible for storage should not visit the arsenal frequently, nor toy with the weapons, nor try to impress babes with them.

GUIDELINES FOR BEATING AND KILLING NONBELIEVERS

...It is permitted to beat the nonbeliever until he reveals the news, information, and secrets of his people. Always wait an hour after eating before administering such a beating, lest you cramp up.

...The religious scholars have also permitted the killing of a hostage if he insists on withholding information from Muslims. Make the killing look like an accident. Remember - tripping on one's own scimitar is not a common occurrence in many Western nations.

IMPERMISSIBLE TACTICS

...Two traditional transgressions are not allowed, even during the stress of espionage: drinking wine and fornication. Nor may a brother ever perform the Lambada. That is strictly forbidden.

COUNTERINTELLIGENCE

...Most of the information brothers will need can be found on the Internet. But, while in "chat" sessions, beware women with screen names like "Mujadinhottie469." They are usually FBI agents.

...Married brothers should not talk to their wives about their work, lest their wives feel free to recount what happened during their day. Brothers do not need that aggravation.

INFORMATION GATHERING

...If you need to learn anything, just take a class. Recent experience proves that flight schools are all too happy to teach pilots how to fly horizontally only. "The Learning Annex" offers a number of courses on a wide variety of subjects.

Beware the sting of the Black Scorpion (AKA Timmy Westworth)

AMERICA'S FINEST

...Do not underestimate America's fighting spirit! Sure, we have all heard of the Green Berets and the Navy SEALs, but too often we dismiss the American people as "soft." This is a dangerous error.

While infiltrating Bayonne, New Jersey, I came across typical teenage American youth engaged in a phenomenon known as "Backyard Wrestling." I received many a kick to the groin and many a chair to the head, I can assure you. Those kids were jumping off houses! I swear to Allah! Those bastards are crazy!

PLANNING OPERATIONS

...If a brother is running short on ideas about how to commit acts of terror, then it is permissible for him to view motion pictures. Americans are exceptionally good at generating unique scenarios of their own destruction. Films with Bruce Willis or Rutger Hauer are particularly recommended.

CONCLUSION

Think you have what it takes to be a sleeper agent? Take the sleeper agent checklist to find out!